Case of the Reds

So before I tell you all about Italy, which yes yes I'm getting around to and I've already started writing, I would like to write about how this day is crap. It's crap not cause I lost my cell phone, broke my computer or something significant, it's crap because I have zero motivation and  cause I'm dwelling on depressing ideas.

I called off all my meetings with friends this morning, I decided not to go to class, opted to do a presentation alone, and my apartment is failing. Called off the meetings cause I stayed up until 5am, and I do realize this is not a smart decision. I decided not to go to class cause I didn't want to deal with the anxiety that comes with public speaking which is required every class. I opted to do the presentation alone cause I didn't speak to the students that I would do it with since they also give me massive anxiety. My apartment has no working washing machine, so clothes are getting dirty, it smells all over the place cause they dried while soaked and dirty, and I woke up this morning and there is no running water anywhere. Lovely. I'm not too happy with my landlord.

In retrospect yes it's one bad decision after one bad decision, but you know what I'm having a mood. I'm allowed to have moods. I stayed up until 5am because I wanted to talk to my family, the family I won't see for Thanksgiving, who I might not see next Thanksgiving, and who might be absent this Easter. Not to mention my favorite commercial holiday, Black Friday is slowly dying without the dynamic duo of my sister and I. As I like to call it (and Audrey Hepburn does too) I've got a bad case of the reds. I'm sad and I have no reason why. Well I know why, but I don't see them as legitimate reasons to be sad or put myself in a rut like I am.

The thing is, for the first time in a long time I felt creative again yesterday. I channeled thoughts and emotions. I dwelled on ideas. Maybe not happy ideas because honestly I write the best on emotions of frustration, pain, and fear, but yesterday I made poetry. I wrote again. Not just poetry but I did a paper for a class that's due two weeks from now and I think the introduction is fantastic. My mind opened up again. Which in this case probably wasn't the best idea since all my ideas and thoughts from the experiences of the day reverted me back to questions about life, success, and happiness, but just being able to think made me overjoyed.

This idea or question was, at what point do we become complacent and turn into the people we swore we would never be? I've noticed a trend. As we start to get older, we start to settle more. Our imaginations die and our creativity becomes stalled (hence my surprise at the burst that I had yesterday). Life becomes day after day blending in and brightened up by only those we find most dear. We find comfort and laughter in the everyday because the everyday starts to be all there is. We get up. Go to work. Pick up the kids. Come home and make dinner. Sleep. Do it all over again. Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't tell me you don't see the monotony that comes from a normal stable life. Yet, it's what we all strive for. It's the illusive American dream. Why do you think companies look for younger more innovative professionals? Cause they haven't died inside yet. (I know I'm being dramatic.) Why do you think everyone reminisces about their pasts? Cause we all are looking for something we don't have now.

So yes, this day is crap. It's crap cause I have a case of the reds and it's incredibly depressing and non motivating. I'll most like sit on this couch that is my bed until class at 4:30pm. Maybe I'll even eat. If the apartment gods shine on me maybe they'll give me some water to wash my face. Today, I just don't care.